the boys are so subtle (A+ investigators)
And I drew this to demonstrate how much you both have to learn from my sly and mischievous investigation techniques. You have to show them your giant shadow wings, and then they’ll tell you everything. -C
Cas, actually, you really have to stop doing that.
Oh yeah. Um, Agent Sam? Wanna take this one?
Um… about that…
I will handle this, Samuel. I believe the truth to be the correct approach in this case.
Cas… Cas that is a bad idea… truth is bad.
We thought you to be a demon and we endeavored using said metric fuckton, if you will, to turn the walls of your home against you so that the abyss of evil in your soul would be torn out of your weakened body. It was probably going to kill you but we assumed you to be dead already. We have since discovered that it is your next door neighbor who has been killing local virgins, not you. Congratulations and we apologize for the spray paint and any hex bags full of dog bones that may or may not be under your floorboards. We are now going to go kill your neighbor… perhaps you can move into his house next? We believe we can stab him successfully without drawing on his walls.
Um… yeah. I could try to make something up… but… yeah.
Yeah, I give up. That was totally accurate. Also, your neighbor’s house has this really gorgeous antique moulding so I would put a bid in on that.
(AW YES SAMMY I FINALLY GET TO USE IT. I WROTE THIS LIKE EIGHT YEARS AGO. GET READY.)
FBI Code subset #67-A42
Why Agent Dean Lee Jones Drives an 67 Impala
To Whom it may concern:
First of all, shut up. This car is amazing. It is like a panther had sex with an engine while listening to AC/DC.
But if you want some official bullshit, this car is a secret government prototype.
So to whoever questioned the used of this car:
The FBI says you can officially suck it.
All of the agents ever.
P.S. Suck it. Again.
Oh.. um… okay…
Hey Sammy - we get a new message on the FBI phone? Hand it over, I wanna know what I gotta kill.
No, you don’t need to hear this. I got it. Haha. No problemo, hermano.
Um, nothing. It’s fine. Wrong number.
Bullshit. Lemme see that.
No, Dean wait-
Help I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.
Sam, is that… Cas?
Um. Yes. He maybe told me he wanted to go to a bar? And I maybe let him?
Are you telling me that you let my angel get drunk, and now he is calling us because he fell over? Are you actually telling me that right now?
I may have jokingly recommended tequila shots.
Please don’t kill me.
I guess we gotta catch up. Time to go party angel-style, Sammy. Hope you can keep up with a guy who doesn’t actually need to use his liver!
…you’re gonna get me shitfaced as punishment, aren’t you.
Dear Fellow Humans,
Hello. And what is up with yourselves.
My name is Agent Cas Hendrix and I am a member of the Federal Association of Bureaus. Myself, along with Agents Samuel Dylan and Dean Cash, would like to apologize for our long absence from the field. We were catching normal human sinners in the remote wilderness of Death Valley which is no way secretly named because it a portal to the actual Valley of Death.
We are back now, and we will be responding to your questions about completely explicable things like evil children who fly and eat your face. We will explain them with science.
Agent Casper Hendrix
P.S. I will refrain from mentioning that we camped out for several weeks during this case. Agent Dean does not wish for you or Sam to know what Dean and I did in the tent. Though Dean forgets that I have seen Brokeback Mountain, and he is not as original in his plans as he would like me to believe.
P.S. Have a nice day.
Federal Bureau of Investigation
Official Tip Response
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Um… no you didn’t.
Agent Samuel Z. Top
HAHAHA WHAT THAT’S SILLY RIGHT AGENT DEAN
YOU SILLY PERSON YOU THAT’S HILARIOUS RIGHT AGENT CAS
YES WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT HUMAN PERSON THEY DO NOT LOOK ANYTHING LIKE THE TWO TALL CAUCASIAN MEN WITH LIGHT BROWN HAIR ONE OF WHOM HAS LARGE SIDEBURNS WHO DRIVE AROUND IN THE VERY COMMON CAR THE 1967 CHEVY IMPALA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AND IT IS OBVIOUSLY COINCIDENTAL THAT THEIR NAMES ARE THE SAME AND THAT THEY ARE ALSO CLOSELY LINKED WITH STRANGE DEATHS AND SEVERAL REPORTS OF GRAVE DESECRATIONS IN NEARBY TOWNS IT IS VERY DIFFERENT HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Oh! That’s just… he’s one of my informants. From the street. …the streets? …the “streetz.” I’m just gonna go… meet him so he can tell me about drug sellers. Of dope drugs.
There’s really no need to tell Agent Dean or Agent Cas about this professional meeting that is professional and clothed. And if you could just… um… burn this note that he left for me? That would be great thanks bye.
Hey, did you guys see Agent Sam pass by here? Wait… he told you burn this? Gimme it.
Dean, I am going to warn you that you absolutely do not want to know what is written on that piece of paper.
Trust me, Sammy wrote poetry in high school. I can handle whatever this is. Let’s see…
Ditch my bro and your bro ASAP, cuz I’ve got an abandoned house, a vibrating heart-shaped bed, and 3 gallons of body chocolate. Also, I’ll use that duplication trick again - this time, there will be 5 of me
Happy Valentine’s Day, my little moose. And when I say little, you know I mean huge. ;)
Cas, I’m dead now. This is what being dead looks like. Please burn out my eyes.
Ma’am, please don’t be nervous about telling us these things. Serial killers with incredible strength and elaborate rituals are more common than you might think.
Exactly, Agent Sam. Way more common. It’s like the version of Miami in Dexter, but everywhere. Serial killers are everywhere.
Human serial killers, specifically. To clarify.
Um… thanks, Agent Casper? Anyway, from what I’m hearing… actually, maybe Agent Dean should wait in the car for this one.
What? A hot evil chick in a tub? No way, it is my duty to the nation to stay.
Okay. It’s just that… considering the mushroom circle thing, this looks like the work of, um, a particular gang?
The, um, “Oberon” gang?
I TOLD YOU TO NEVER SAY THAT NAME TO ME AGAIN.
Dean, is this the… gang leader… with whom you possibly had glittering and magical sexual intercourse?
You know what… okay, I’m just gonna go stab that siren and you can all go to Hell.
Dean, hold on, I’m sorry!
Alright, I shall explain. Your house is infested with fairies. You’ll most likely be taken as an eternal servant. Have a good day.